Getting real...why am I in India...

This morning I am sitting on the veranda deep in thought about my experience so far here in India. I am ruminating on why this trip is so important for me and the path I chose to get here. Pretty deep thoughts for my morning’s coffee. 

The factors that lead me to taking this journey were, at the very least, three years in the making. I was for a time a lost person. I was a person stuck in a horrendous dead end job that broke me down emotionally and made me feel like I had no talent or worth. I bought into the system that flourishes in many corporate American offices, a system that did not speak to my individual creative talents, and in fact, a system that made me feel inadequate, mediocre, harsh, and stupid daily.

Before my seven and a half years at my previous employer, I worked many years in corporate jobs. The difference – I was also attending college/grad school simultaneously. When working and studying at the same time, you tend to have a detachment to the job, one where your priorities can never focus entirely on the employer’s need. You remain a worker-bee, and for many years while going to school I found this arrangement comfortable for me. I had bigger plans, and the job produced a paycheck.

When I joined Capella I had come right out of grad school. I had completed my studies and joined this academic institution with the intent to build a career in the higher education. In short, I was primed to join the working world as a “go-getter”.  After about 4 years of working hard and trying to establish a career path, I found the politics and social culture of corporate America disgusting, and in particular, I found the office culture of Capella was detrimental to my personal development. I stayed on only to complete an additional Master’s degree in Non Profit Management, which was nearly free to me as an employee. 

I realize many people work in great offices for wonderful companies. I realize that such things exist. However, one thing about self realization is knowing what fits you, and for me working in a corporate office is something that does not fit me. (Anymore) 

I am an abstract thinker, I am a extraordinarily passionate person, and when I see a river of information - I dive in head first.  I don’t like queues, I don’t like dishonesty, and I am absolute in my opinion. I communicate directly, transparently, and if I don’t like something I will tell you directly no matter your perceived position.  While I know I must learn to temper these traits, my experience at my previous employer taught me that my personality was harsh and reactive. The leadership of my department chose to treat me poorly – in part due to competitiveness, and in part due to their lack of competence. In all, I chose to buy into the idea that I was TOO direct, TOO hard, and NOT GOOD enough.

Fortunately, I am strong and somewhat arrogant, so this feeling of being not good enough couldn't persist. So I found things to make me feel good. This leads me in a long and winding way to discovering dance. I chose to escape this reality for a time by exploring my natural propensity to be creative. I went to school for art history. The methodology of that study feeds my analytical side, the art feeds my need to think in the abstract. Dance elevates this pursuit in a profound way. For me, it takes my natural analytical and abstract creativity and brings it to physical sphere. It lives in my body and emanates outward. It marries perfectly the union of mind, body, and soul. When I found dance, I found a missing piece of my life, or rather, I found the next phase of my personal development. I feel happy, whole, talented, and in connection with my spirituality when I engage my entire body in my creative expression.   

                      

While exploring dance and expression...(i've explored in many forms and styles over the last few years, from pole dance, to burly, to hip hop, to you name it..) I found a particular connection to Belly dance and Bollywood dance.  I have always loved Bollywood movies and music…since i was a teenager. Locally, I had been an active member of a Bollywood Society/Club for many years as well as an organizer for many of the Twin Citie's Bollywood events associated to that group. I developed great friendships and connections in that community, this was all previous to my exploration of dance.

Additionally to Bollwood dancing, I sought out learning Belly Dance from many local teachers about three years ago, and learned about the complexity of styles and histories associated to modern Belly dance. I found great teachers in all styles and tasted a little from each plate. Belly dance is amazing and empowering and I found in that circle a sisterhood of amazing women (and a few dudes) that have inspired me in great ways. It is being around those people, watching, and being inspired that lead me to explore further.

This leads me to Indian classical dance. I have for very many years been a lover of Indian classical dance and music. My absolute love for Classic Bollywood (swoon) is really a vein of my love of Indian classical arts. I have always thought these dance forms unattainable, and inaccessible, for many good and not so good reasons. It’s only from the empowerment and courage in the last few years that I garnered the courage to seek out a teacher and to commit to learning. From there it took on another form, it became a passion, something that I derived great power/worth, love, and meaning from. Something I want to work at, be good at, and experience. 

I started very briefly in Mohiniyattam with a great local teacher, Sona Nair. In a few lessons both her and I found that starting with Bharatanatyam would be a better fit. It is usually what people learn first before moving on to the other South Indian classical styles. She recommended a few teachers, I researched them and reached out. I found a great local teacher and I have been actively learning Bharatanatyam now for nine months.

This art form is hands down the hardest thing I have ever had to do. This is physically and mentally hard. The conditioning alone is rigorous and the dance form itself is hard. Most Indian classical dancers started dancing while young (ages 5-7) and developed their skill over many years. I am starting in my late 30’s. On top of age and physical difficulty, it is very foreign in concept. All of the terms are in Sanskrit, and many of the concepts in this dance form are absent from Western culture. The conventions of music and rhythm are drastically different. In short, I am re-learning daily how to stand, speak, count, think, and “be”, and then applying that to my dance.

In my journey, I have been nurtured by MANY great people. I will mention a few names below, but know, ALL of you have been a participants in my growth and I think about that daily.

One teacher, my first guru, pushed me to explore myself. To reach into my own soul, to fight my ego, to conquer the fear of judgment and create something real from my heart. She pushed me to scary dance stages and made me dance through the awkwardness, she gave me permission to be great, or to suck, or to just be….she loved me and allowed me to grow. She was the gardener there to tend to the growing flower. To Deepa (Fyresnake Shirvana) my gardener, thank you.

My second guru, Lesley, who shows me how to have fun. She gave me a real vocabulary, some serious fusion-chops. She lets me play and took my dance to the next level. She made me look like a belly dancer.. and let me choose how that dancer looked. She showed me rules are nice, but being a rebel is where the real fun is. To Lesley, the rebel, thank you.

My third guru, Narayanee.- my first Bharatanatyam teacher. She encourages me to be brave and learn something that is so far from my cultural understanding. She teaches me that dance is essential to people like us, it is like air and water. She pushes me with grace and helps me to understand physical pain and exhaustion. She encourages my exploration and inspires me to be better. She is my coach, and my cheering squad. Her love continues to guide me, it watches me from afar and whispers in my ears … it followed me to India where I continue with her sitting on my shoulder. To Narayanee, my angel, thank you.

To my fourth guru, Aparna. She has taught me grace and form. She has made me sweat, and continues to push me every day. Her eye for line and perfection is exquisite. She is my disciplinarian and keeps me accountable beyond bad habit and fatigue. She has made me feel like a Bharatanatyam dancer in this short time, and with work and practice I am looking more like one daily. She teaches me about the legacy and helps me understand my connection and role in this ancient craft. She guides me in both the focus and the spirituality of this dance. She is the gatekeeper, the sage. To Aparna, my tiny sage, thank you.

This endeavor IS difficult, but it is also rewarding. Like a puzzle piece missing that has now been placed.  THIS is my new purpose, one of self discovery, one of re-learning, and one of re-definition. No more NOT GOOD enough. I will re-learn new realities, new perspectives and embrace the journey. This mindfulness will continue as I go to my Yoga training in December and I will bring this new energy, new knowledge, and  new passion back home. I will learn this new way of living and let it wash over into other aspects of my life. That is the WHY to why I am here.

This long cathartic post has been a long time coming. Thanks to a schedule conflict I have an open morning and an afternoon practice. Good bloggin' time.. To those who read this, thank you. This journal/blog is such a wonderful form of therapy for me, and I want to tell all my friends about the adventures and discoveries I am making. If I could bring you all with in some small way I would. It is my hope that this blog serves that. Love from India.

This is one of my favorite photos.
Seems appropriate. I look in the mirror and a dancer stares back.
Thank you to:
 D Mad Photograpy,
Madhu Bangalore, 2014

Namaste,

Christy